Thinking Allowed - Including musings by Daan Spijer.

From the Kitchen

February 9, 2011

From the Kitchen #90

Thank you for purchasing a Klastelle Baby-Bounce-and Play Center.  We congratulate you on the wisdom of your choice and support your obvious commitment to ensuring your baby has the very best in environmental stimulation and constructive play activity.

Before unpacking the Baby-Bounce-and-Play Center (BBPC), be sure to read and follow the contents of the 98-page Construction Manual, which can be found inside the box, and the 55-page Safety Manual which you can download from our web site. If you do not have access to the Internet, we will happily post you a printed and bound copy for the small sum of $17.93 – see address in the back of the Construction Manual.

As our independent research has indicated that some purchasers of this product do not read the Safety Manual before placing their precious offspring into their newly-assembled BBPC, we include a number of warnings and disclaimers in this leaflet and alert you to the fact that by breaking the security seal on the box you automatically agree to the conditions of sale contained in the front of the Construction Manual under the heading “Legal Matters”, which include but are not limited to your complete acceptance of all liability for any injury which may be sustained by you or other members of your family, including your precious baby, and including any other person or animal that may be harmed in any way by the presence in your home or garage or elsewhere on your property or in the vicinity of your property or on or near any other person’s property of the BBPC or any of its components or packaging or the Construction Manual, including injury leading to death.

Please be assured that the BBPC is made of the best and most environmentally-friendly materials available.  However, our independent research has shown that few BBPCs are assembled in strict compliance with the very detailed instructions contained in the Construction Manual, which renders any implied warrantee null and void.  There are no explicit warrantees with the BBPC, other than that the BBPC will look like the illustrations on the outer packaging if, and only if, the instructions contained in said Construction Manual are followed meticulously and without variation in any detail.

Please be assured that, even when assembled in accordance with the instructions in the Construction Manual, a vigorous child may contrive to bounce too high and land against one of the barriers with the possibility of resultant injury.  We therefore strongly recommend that you tie pillows or cushions or similar around the entire inside perimeter of the outer structure.

It is also possible, given the number of babies who are in the top percentile of weight for age bracket (i.e. obese), that your baby may upend the BBPC by leaning against the outer barrier, with the resultant possibility of injury to the baby and damage to the BBPC.  We recommend that you devise a method of firmly anchoring the BBPC to the floor or ground on which it is placed.

Be advised that the small plastic caps which are designed to screw onto the ends of the protruding bolts may be dislodged by persistent, over-intelligent babies, resulting in the possibility of choking on said caps or damage to eyes or other parts of the face and head by said protruding bolts.

It has been brought to our attention that the powerful springs on the reticulated bouncing platform have caused injury in a number of cases.  The injuries have apparently been occasioned by babies holding onto said springs while bouncing, resulting in sudden catastrophic compression of fingers.  We suggest two possible solutions.  One is to fashion sleeves of a heavy canvas material for said springs; the other is to tie the baby’s arms together at the front.  The first is the preferred solution as the second hampers the baby when it bounces off the platform and lands on the ground.

In relation to said landing on floor, we recommend strongly that the base of the BBPC be covered with cushions or yoga mats or similar.

Please do not allow pets into the BBPC as these may be injured by contact with your bouncing or projectile baby.

The BBPC is based on extensive, independent research carried out in countries where impoverished families have been happy to receive generous payments (in local terms) for the involvement of their babies in this research.  We have thus been able to present to you the feature-rich BBPC which you are about to assemble.  Please be assured that no animals were in any way injured or harmed in the course of our research.

Enjoy and have a nice day.

© 2011 Daan Spijer

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